I went up to Hamilton for Mother's Day. It was pretty fun; we went out on dirtbikes and an ATV. Jon actually rode while I was on the back (instead of taking it easy), and I just about flew off the one time. I fell off going solo again, but it was more of a bail than a true fall. Dad drove me home, which was nice; he's in Guelph for the week doing a course.

I found out that a guy I knew from university shot himself Friday night. He was a good friend of Isaac's--they grew up together--but only a vague acquaintance of mine. We hung out a few times, and I remember him being a huge asshole, which was often reaffirmed by Alex. She told me that he'd gone out with another friend Friday night and was fine, and his parents found him Saturday afternoon when they returned home. No note, nothing to suggest he was going to do this. I feel sad and unsettled. Sad mostly for Isaac, because he just lost a friend, and for Alex, because she's got to deal with the ramifications, and for Morgan, too, and everyone else. Unsettled. He's the first person I knew--it took me a full minute to decide whether to write 'knew' or 'know' and it still doesn't feel right--to kill themselves. I really couldn't grasp the ramifications, all the people left behind, all the questions, all the anger and hurt and confusion. Alex suggested that she'd thought something was behind his demeanor, a reason for him to be so callous all the time. Maybe it was his way of hiding depression? Maybe he was protecting himself? I don't know. So many questions.

I could really use a hug, and someone to talk through this with. Even though I didn't really like him, I'm still shaken. I wish I could still talk to you.

I went to TCAF today, and had an absolutely amazing few hours there. I met so many of my favourite webcomic artists, made a total creep of myself in front of Erika Moen, and chatted with Jeph Jacques and Joey Comeau. Pretty much the best ever. I spent far more money than I should have, though. I thought of you when I saw a few stalls or pieces of art, and that made me sad. I ran into a girl from high school while I was there. It was strange: I rarely--if ever--talked with her, and yet she greeted me with a big hug. I didn't mind too much though.

Afterwards I went to see Iron Man 2 with Ellie, Tron and Buckley. It was a fantastic movie, and I was having a great time up until we parted ways, and Ellie passed me the bag that she'd been carrying around the whole time. It was all of my things that you'd had. Then I got to spend the next 20min with Buckley on the subway, trying not to dwell on the fact that you'd officially rid yourself of the last remnants of me. I think he's a little upset by this; of everyone, it seems that he's weirded out by going out as a group and you not being there (when I plan things). He hasn't said anything, though, and neither have I.

Tomorrow I'm headed up to Hamilton for Mother's Day. I just finished up my present to mum; I made her a necklace she'll probably never wear, but whatever. I wish I could wish your mum a happy mother's day; she was so good to me. I'm kind of mad at you for taking that away from me. I had a family here. Now I don't.

Thursday

I went for a run today. My first in over a month. I cut it short to stop and pick wildflowers and lilacs.

I bought a really cute dress. I wanted to go out tomorrow night to celebrate, but it turns out you're having a bbq tomorrow that everyone is going to. I've got no one to go out with. I had to postpone until Saturday night.

I bought stuff to make my mom a necklace for Mother's Day, but when I tried to make it I realized I can't do the technique I wanted to use.

I realize I've been relying too much on a friend of mine in the past week and a bit. I think he may realize it. I feel terrible.

I really miss you.

My New Confidant

Yesterday, I discovered that I am not infallible at Scrabble, as was previously thought.

Today, I baked a loaf of banana bread. It was with a new recipe, and it didn't turn out very good.

I got a phone call from New York today.

I just lost my boyfriend/best friend/confidant.
I have no one to talk to about the little, stupid, insignificant things. It's lonely.

It was a wrong number.

Portrait of the Artist as a Rollercoaster

.
Not so much fun, actually.

What the hell.

My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go but I can't.

And every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me.

Seriously. That is exactly how I am feeling right now. We were doing so well. And then you decided that we weren't. And then you thought we were better, and I didn't. Then I thought we were better, and you didn't. And now I don't even know what's going on. I want nothing more than for us to be ok, but I don't know if you want that. You've got that damn girl in your head right now, that one who you always mention but never name. I know who she is. I'm sure that you're thinking about how interesting and exciting she is, but you need to know that if you leave me, and go get her out of your system, and decide that you made that huge mistake again, there is no third chance. Maybe you need to take a minute. Think about it seriously. Do you really want to throw away everything we have for a crush? Do you really want to get rid of me, only to realize that was never what you wanted? And part of me is so terrified that you're just sticking around until I get over my grief, until I finish exams, and that as soon as you decide my life has levelled out you'll dump me. The other part of me really doesn't care anymore. And that scares me. That as soon as you said, Hey, I'm not so sure anymore, I started to pull away. You said that you weren't just waiting a decent amount of time after the initial conversation to drop me, but part of me can't believe that.

I kind of hate myself for a lot of things right now. For what I've just said. For putting up with this crap again. For getting so complacent. For daring to think about a future you and I might have together. Although I can't help but blame you a little bit for that last one, with all your damn 'hey, let's get married some day's and starting conversations about baby names and all that bullshit that you're allowed to talk about, but the second I say anything in regards to a future more than a few weeks ahead, you get weirded out. Fucking hypocrite. Fucking terrified of commitment and having anyone rely on you for anything, even a comforting shoulder after a shitty day.

Fuck.