Saturday, April 17, 2010

What the hell.

My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go but I can't.

And every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me.

Seriously. That is exactly how I am feeling right now. We were doing so well. And then you decided that we weren't. And then you thought we were better, and I didn't. Then I thought we were better, and you didn't. And now I don't even know what's going on. I want nothing more than for us to be ok, but I don't know if you want that. You've got that damn girl in your head right now, that one who you always mention but never name. I know who she is. I'm sure that you're thinking about how interesting and exciting she is, but you need to know that if you leave me, and go get her out of your system, and decide that you made that huge mistake again, there is no third chance. Maybe you need to take a minute. Think about it seriously. Do you really want to throw away everything we have for a crush? Do you really want to get rid of me, only to realize that was never what you wanted? And part of me is so terrified that you're just sticking around until I get over my grief, until I finish exams, and that as soon as you decide my life has levelled out you'll dump me. The other part of me really doesn't care anymore. And that scares me. That as soon as you said, Hey, I'm not so sure anymore, I started to pull away. You said that you weren't just waiting a decent amount of time after the initial conversation to drop me, but part of me can't believe that.

I kind of hate myself for a lot of things right now. For what I've just said. For putting up with this crap again. For getting so complacent. For daring to think about a future you and I might have together. Although I can't help but blame you a little bit for that last one, with all your damn 'hey, let's get married some day's and starting conversations about baby names and all that bullshit that you're allowed to talk about, but the second I say anything in regards to a future more than a few weeks ahead, you get weirded out. Fucking hypocrite. Fucking terrified of commitment and having anyone rely on you for anything, even a comforting shoulder after a shitty day.


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