Sunday, May 9, 2010

I went up to Hamilton for Mother's Day. It was pretty fun; we went out on dirtbikes and an ATV. Jon actually rode while I was on the back (instead of taking it easy), and I just about flew off the one time. I fell off going solo again, but it was more of a bail than a true fall. Dad drove me home, which was nice; he's in Guelph for the week doing a course.

I found out that a guy I knew from university shot himself Friday night. He was a good friend of Isaac's--they grew up together--but only a vague acquaintance of mine. We hung out a few times, and I remember him being a huge asshole, which was often reaffirmed by Alex. She told me that he'd gone out with another friend Friday night and was fine, and his parents found him Saturday afternoon when they returned home. No note, nothing to suggest he was going to do this. I feel sad and unsettled. Sad mostly for Isaac, because he just lost a friend, and for Alex, because she's got to deal with the ramifications, and for Morgan, too, and everyone else. Unsettled. He's the first person I knew--it took me a full minute to decide whether to write 'knew' or 'know' and it still doesn't feel right--to kill themselves. I really couldn't grasp the ramifications, all the people left behind, all the questions, all the anger and hurt and confusion. Alex suggested that she'd thought something was behind his demeanor, a reason for him to be so callous all the time. Maybe it was his way of hiding depression? Maybe he was protecting himself? I don't know. So many questions.

I could really use a hug, and someone to talk through this with. Even though I didn't really like him, I'm still shaken. I wish I could still talk to you.

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